Trapped in the Closet
Last Update: 5/24/19
The fourth installment in this series is again about a trans boy, again in high school, but his identity cannot be revealed because it’s not safe for him. If he was outed, his home and school conditions would deteriorate. This is how many transgender teens live--in secret. Their happiness in life is dependent on being seen as the gender they are inside, but society works ferociously against that. As usual, we begin when he first discovered he was trans.
Discovery
He discovered he was trans when he saw a Tumblr post that described what it was like to be trans. It talked about imagining that everyone was telling you that you were the opposite gender. He thought that he wouldn’t really mind that, and had a bit of an “Oh.” moment.
Closet Life
Closeted life for him “fucking sucks”. Everybody sees him as a girl, and always uses the wrong pronouns. On top of that, he can’t transition at all, so if he came out not much would be able to change. He also has an older brother who is in the school that doesn’t know he’s trans. When he came out to his parents, they told him he wasn’t allowed to transition until college, wasn’t even allowed to cut his hair or wear very many masculine clothes, which, according to him “thoroughly sucks”. He’s also technically not allowed to come out to anybody, and is supposed to keep it a secret, meaning nobody can know that he’s come out to even a few people.
Coming Out
Even though he’s been restricted from majorly coming out, he has come out to a few close friends. The first person he came out to, his best friend at the time, he came out to while they were facetiming. A bad time, really, because their mom was in the room, so they couldn’t even respond. Afterwards though, they were super accepting and understanding. He came out to his parents by throwing a letter at them that he’d spent at least a week writing. He did this in summer, with the intent of coming out before high school. That, of course, never happened. His parents sat him down three weeks later and told him that he was not allowed to come out. Among many things they said, they told him that they should get to pick his new name, as they had picked it before. They also told him that if he ignored his dysphoria and his identity, that it wouldn’t bother him. They gave him a journal under the guise that it would help him. He discovered, however, that they had given him the journal after looking at an article online about parents who gave their trans kid a journal, which led them to decide that they weren’t trans. They told him he would not at all be allowed to transition until he was out of the house and at college, not even to cut his hair shorter. Coming out to his parents was a “fuckshow”, but the only silver lining was his friends. He came out to more of his friends before high school, and it went very well. He’d only known them for about a week but for some reason he trusted them. When he told them, one of them replied with “same!” and all of a sudden, he wasn’t alone.
Everyday Struggles and Risks
Because he can’t come out, he faces less everyday risks. A constant risk that goes with being closeted though, is that someone will say his chosen name around someone who doesn’t know, and he’ll be outed. The worst case of that would be if his older brother found out. Other hardships he goes through are directly related to him not being able to come out. The lunch ladies tend to call students by their first name, meant to be a nice thing. For this student, however, it only reminds him that society doesn’t see him for who he is. He also tends to gravitate towards blue colors, as those are associated with masculinity. He struggles with dysphoria daily, which can only be helped by wearing a binder and doing his best to wear as masculine clothing as possible. To help, he also writes sentences using his correct name and pronouns, and gets validation from his friends.
He is a part of the LGBT community, and is a part of the GSA. Other than that, he can’t do much because of his parents. But being in the GSA helps, because he’s around people that share his experiences and can understand and support him. It also gives him hope to see trans people who have transitioned, as it shows him that it is a possibility for someday, and it can happen to him.
Tips
In terms of tips he didn’t have much to say, other than that if you wouldn’t ask a cis person your question, don’t ask it to a trans person.
His family has made his life utter hell, but he has amazing friends to help him get through it. They are there to validate him and help him along in his wait for college. His experiences are rough, but being able to wear some boy clothes gives him a spark of hope and joy. However, life could be so much better for him if society was different.