A Different Perspective
Last Update: 5/24/19
Our fifth story is someone entirely different then anyone you’ve heard from before. This person is a freshman, and they are nonbinary. Nonbinary means their gender does not coincide with either of the binary genders. This person again cannot be named, and prefers neutral pronouns, or they/them. Nonbinary is considered to belong under the transgender umbrella, as their gender does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. While they may be different than the other trans stories you have heard, they face many of the same challenges.
Discovery
As usual, our story starts when they found out. They had never really been interested in things associated with their assigned sex, and hated being called those pronouns and that title. When they learned that they didn’t have to be either a boy or a girl, they thought about it for a while, and when they decided to ask their friends to use a different name and pronouns, it just felt right. It wasn’t until after they realized they were nonbinary that they realized all the signs.
Closet Life
Life in the closet hasn’t been pleasant for them. As they are not out to their extended family, they are expected to act a certain way and they simply don’t. Sometimes they get gifts on holidays that they know they won’t use, but when their family asks why, they can’t explain it to them. Gender roles play a big part in people’s lives, and having to follow them while you aren’t that gender can be exhausting, especially when you can’t say anything.
Coming Out
They are mostly out of the closet. They’re out to their immediate family, most of their friends, and everyone at school. Their immediate family doesn’t particularly enjoy that they’re trans, and simply ignores it. Their mom has told them that until they come out to their extended family, she will not use the right name or pronouns. The problem with this, is that they are not sure that their extended family will accept them, so they don’t want to come out to them. Their friends, at least, are accepting, and use the correct name. Some of them struggle with the pronoun change, and tend to call them their dead pronouns. They haven’t had big problems with the school system. Unfortunately they are unable to change their name because it hasn’t been adjusted legally, but usually things are alright. There have been situations where they get deadnamed an have to correct people, and their pronouns are usually simply ignored, as is the case for many people using they/them pronouns.
They have not been outed yet, but the thought of being outed frightens them and gives them considerable anxiety anytime they are in a situation where that could be a possibility. They know people at their school that are transphobic, and would rather not deal with them. Some people also have connection to their parents, and if the person told their parents, it would end badly.
Everyday Struggles and Risks
Their life's a bit different than the other trans kids, but they share many of the same experiences. When subs call out their deadname during attendance, they cover their mouth and say their deadname muffled as to not draw attention to themself. When asked why they’re using a different name, they usually just say that they like their chosen name better, which usually satisfies people. It always stings a little when teachers use their dead pronouns, as it confirms for people who were wondering when in fact they are the wrong pronouns. When put in groups with people of their birth sex, it makes them uncomfortable as it’s the teacher saying that they see them as that sex too. In boys vs girls competitions, they never know which side they’re supposed to pick, and avoid choosing partners, topics, or colors that “go with” their birth sex. Most of the dysphoria they experience is social. When people call them by their dead pronouns, sometimes it can make them feel like they “deserve” to be called those pronouns, and that they’re not dressing neutral enough to not be seen as their birth sex. They can’t do much about it other than try to dress as neutral as possible.
They are a part of the LGBT community, and say it has been a big help. Those people understand their struggles, and will make sure they use the correct name and pronouns. They even go as far as to keep asking questions to make sure they’re doing things right.
Tips
They also had a few tips about asking questions. Many questions may seem off limits, but as long as you stay respectful, there should be no problems. You just have to know the person, ask delicately, don't be a jerk, and don’t get mad at whatever the answer is. Not all questions are okay though. They noted that they can get very uncomfortable when people press them as to why they use a different name, what their deadname is, and what bathroom they use. All of these are fairly off limits, but the biggest red light comed to medical things. They emphasized to never, never ask someone what’s in their pants.
While a different experience with the trans life, many situations are the same. It’s not just people who are the opposite gender. Some simply don’t fit with either social gender, or don’t feel a pull to a gender at all, and they suffer as well. Some parting words I was given from this person, “All genders are made up and kinda stupid :)”