Hiding in Plain Sight
Last Update: 5/24/19
I am a freshman in high school. My name is Greyson and I am transgender. Until now, I have been closeted. I published this website before I was ready to come out. But I'm ready now. I'm Greyson, and this is my story.
This story, along with several others I have compiled, will give you a first-hand look into the trans experience, and how rough it actually is. I hope this gives you an insight to the hardships that people like me face, and begin to see how they are not entirely unlike you. To start off the first story you’ll be taken all the way back to seventh grade, when I learned what transgender was, and realized that I was trans.
Discovery
It was around October and November when I found out. I’d known I liked girls, and that I was different than others. I didn’t care about hairstyles or fashion, didn’t care to paint my nails or make friendship bracelets. I didn’t play with barbies and dolls, didn’t play dress-up, didn’t make believe I was a princess. Instead, I dressed for comfort, ignored my hair every day by putting it up and keeping it out of my way, played with trains, and collected matchbox cars. But even with all these signs, I never knew, because I was sheltered. I was never taught that being gay existed, that being trans existed, that any of that was alright. So when I made a Tumblr account in September, after realizing I liked girls, I was surprised to learn what transgender was. I kept reading about it, and realized that I could relate to other people’s stories. Ever since puberty, I had hated my body, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to not be comfortable in your own skin. Of course, things did not get magically better after that.
Closet Life
I spent two and a half years in the closet. Life for out trans kids is rough, but life in the closet is no party. Over my time in the closet, I've had many struggles. I have to go through the day hearing a name that isn’t mine, a name that belongs to a girl, to a stranger. When my family and friends and peers insulted LGBT people, I couldn't stand up for them or myself in fear of backlash or being discovered. I had to live in a house where my mom constantly says “good girl” and my deadname. I have a family that, when taking pictures, tells me “let’s get a picture with the girls” and includes me in it. It’s not all accidental either. In the past few weeks, a girl in one of my classes shared something with me on Google Docs. She later asked me if I hated my name (I used to go by a shortened version of my deadname), to which I said yes. That girl has taken to calling me my full deadname whenever she’s annoyed with me, or simply decides to. It’s been so traumatic for me that I’ve talked about how much I despise that class, and I even considered skipping it once because it was too much for me to handle.
Coming Out
Coming out to my close friends in the past hasn’t been the easiest. In seventh grade, I told my friend group and one of them rejected me fairly badly. She called me “it” for a week before everybody simply forgot about it. My best friend at the time took it way worse. She called over at least half of my science class and got them to collectively tell me that I was a girl, and that there were only two genders (at the time, I thought I was nonbinary). She then told me that “it would be weird” if I was trans. This actually caused me to go back into the closet, where I've been ever since. This year, I got some more confidence, and came out again to my friend group. This time it was taken very well, and they are very validating and were quick to adjust. One of them has taken to addressing the group as “ladies and boy” which I absolutely love. My separate friends were so supportive and fast to adjust and validate me every chance they get.
While there was a silver lining to my friends, my family was quite the opposite. At first, my mom only claimed to support me, but it was a very backhanded support. She let me wear more masculine clothing and allowed me to get a binder, but also made sure to tell me that my being trans doesn’t matter. Now, that can be a good thing, but the way she said it isn’t, “it doesn’t matter me that you’re trans I love you” it was, “it doesn’t matter that you’re trans nobody cares that you’re a boy it’s not a big deal.” It felt like she didn't see me as a boy. When I came out to my brother and sister, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said “you’re not a boy” to which my mom replied, “she’s going to start living as a boy.” This impacted me a lot, because she was saying that I wasn’t a boy, but simply pretending to be. However, over some time she got used to it and now makes attempts to say the correct name and use the right pronouns and has gotten much better with all of those things.
I've been outed a few times. Once was by one of my best friends, who had accidentally said the wrong name in front of another friend, and had to explain everything to him. That scenario wasn’t bad, as he forgot soon after. However, one was bad, very bad.
My aunt has always been a bit problematic. She can be described as a “Super Liberal”, she’s the type of person to walk up to someone who seems trans on the street and congratulate them loudly, putting them in danger. I feel like she sees me as a research project, and uses me to get so called “liberal points.” When I fully came out to her, she later texted me telling me how good she was getting at saying my name. I was a bit perplexed at this, wondering if she wanted a cookie or something for being a good human being and using the right name. She also mentioned that she was excited to see me a few days later, when they would be around our entire family. I made sure to tell her not to call my by my chosen name, and assumed she would listen. I was far from correct.
The day had been going well, my aunt hadn’t mentioned anything. I was sitting on the couch when all of a sudden, without warning, she came over and reintroduced me to my aunt and uncle without warning, even making me shake their hands. Upset, I later texted her, where she blamed me for not telling her not to out me, and claimed that she was “trying to show me what full support could be like.” I told her to never out someone again, and she told me that she would make her own decisions and that she was “rejecting my ally lesson.” She said that because I was “only one trans person,” she didn’t have to listen to me or apply anything I was telling her. She was one of the only adults I trusted, and I am now trying to pick up the pieces of yet another person to shatter my trust and build a new layer onto my wall of trust issues.
Everyday Struggles and Risks
I'm only recently out, so hearing my deadname constantly is terrible for me, but many people still don't know yet. The lunch ladies sometimes call students by name, which is usually a friendly thing, but for me it’s something I despise. Even being closeted, my struggles didn't let up. Throughout seventh and eighth grade, a kid in one of my classes would constantly whisper “lesbo” at me when passing, and sometimes even kick me. Other than that, I've been lucky with other people. I didn't have to worry much about bathrooms, because I was closeted and was passing as a lady, so I could easily go to the women’s restroom, though I hated doing so.
I deal with a lot of things that most cis people wouldn’t find problematic. Small things like colors and smells can make me feel dysphoric. I hate it that blue things make me feel more masculine, and that flowery smells make me feel bad. I wish that I didn’t have to give in to toxic masculinity to feel masculine, and that society would let me like pink without using it as a way to prove that I'm not a boy. To alleviate dysphoria, along with wearing a binder, I usually have to manspread, or sit in what’s seen as a “boy” way.
Being involved with his community has helped me a lot. I feel a lot more connected to people like me, and have people to go to for help and ask questions to. Part of the way I connect to others is by being in the GSA. I also happen to have a lot of LGBT friends, which is very nice, as most of them can empathize with my situations and support me better.
Tips
It’s common for cis people to have questions when a trans person comes out, but sometimes it goes too far. Asking someone or saying that they merely “identify” as a boy is extremely harmful, as it hints to them that you don’t see them as a boy, but simply say they are to “support” them. They are boys, real boys, and should be seen as such. Also, questions like “what’s your real name?” or asking your deadname are always off limits. The name is dead for a reason, and their chosen name is their real name. Medical questions are always, always a no go. Do not ask someone what’s in their pants.
Overall, I haven’t suffered all too much, but my life is far from easy. It could be worse, but I have supportive friends, and hope that when people read this and I'm out, I'll be safe in society. This is just one account of a trans kid. Everybody is different, with their own story to tell, but many aren’t much unlike this one. Life is hard for trans kids, but it doesn’t always have to be this way. With the help of cis people, we can reach equality and live fulfilling lives.