Let Me Get Something Off My Chest
Last Update: 5/24/19
The second story is again a student in high school He’s a senior and his name is Easton. He’s been out for a few years so his experiences are different than many of the others in this collection. Those differences make his story even more important. Buckle up folks, it’s one hell of a ride.
Discovery
Easton first discovered that he was trans in eighth grade. He grew up in a very sheltered Catholic home, and was hidden from the LGBT world. Everything he knew came from his friends and the “badly written fanfiction” they read in study hall. As he learned more, he became more curious and began researching on his own, in incognito mode in the dead of night for his own safety. Many of the search results were from Tumblr, so he made an account to see the, and was opened up to a world of possibilities. As he read through blog after blog, he began to realize just how much he could relate to them, and how much more the definition of trans began to fit him. However, it wasn’t until he was watching a show with his sister (The Fosters) that had a trans character, that he truly realized how much he connected with them. Scared about his new discovery, he vowed to hide that part of himself.
Closet Life
Life in the closet for Easton was nothing short of pure hell. He was an altar server, and religion was a huge part of his household. He felt that his identity was not only something he needed to hide from his family and others, but something that he also needed to hide from himself, and change. He spent a large period of time trying to convince himself that he wasn’t trans, using internalized transphobia that led him into a malicious cycle of self destructive feelings. His life in the closet was wildly depressing, not to mention extremely repressive to himself as a developing person. He was not only forcing himself to not be who he was, but he was also subjected to his family’s comments, none of which helped his situation in any way. His parents constantly called trans people “wrong” and “sinful”, which only helped Easton perpetuate the harmful ideals he was indulging in that continued to prevent him from who he was. The closet suffocated him, so much so that coming out became a means for survival and self-preservation.
Coming Out
While coming out was freeing for him, and helped him flourish, nothing about it was pleasant. Starting with the good news, the first person he came out to was his best friend. They had both been going to the school GSA meetings, and after a while, he asked her if he was too feminine to be trans, and if she would think any less of him for being trans. She assured him that they would always be best friends, which gave him the boost he needed to tell her he was considering changing to he/him pronouns, and picking a better name. She was nothing but supportive and wonderful every step of the way.
The tale takes a sharp turn downhill from here. Easton had gotten a major haircut, and was getting more and more depressed. This, and the fact that he seemed to be “changing”, worried his parents, and they had him sent to a therapist to “fix” him. The therapist in question was a Christian therapist named Scholar. She, after weeks of convincing him to confide in her, immediately shut down as soon as he came out. She told him that being trans was a sin and would “ruin his life”. She went so far as to tell him various stories of unnamed “women” that were trans that she managed to “fix”. Easton, young and scared but sure of himself, rejected her teachings with a firm resistance. This simply upset her further, so much so that she threatened to send him to conversion therapy sessions at church that were for “problem patients” like him. Easton hated these therapy sessions, and in desperation would throw away the notes that he would get from the office and refuse to go.
Eventually, his parents caught on and decided she didn’t seem to be helping him. At his last session, he waltzed in with a bounce in his step. He tried his best to give off as much of the pure rage he felt towards her. His therapist, however, was not finished. She had run out of ideas to change him. Her new idea? Come out to his Christian Catholic immigrant dad. Or she would. With one shoulder weighed down with anxiety and the other with depression, fourteen year old Easton had no other option but to walk out to the car and do it. Not because he wanted to, but because he was forced to by someone in power, someone he could have had fired, if only he wasn’t fourteen. Afterwards, his dad didn’t talk to him for weeks, and only had “good luck telling your mother” to say to him.
While all of Easton’s close friends accepted him immediately, the rest of the school was not so forgiving. Rumors had already been circling, and when Easton showed up to freshman homecoming in pants and a tie, lent to him by one of his guy friends, it was confirmed. Almost instantly, “truckloads” of drama erupted everywhere. Among the chaos, one of Easton’s now ex-friends cried in the bathroom because he was “changing”, more of them couldn’t stop muttering about how “weird” he was for the rest of the night, and the entirety of the girls cross-country team accused him of being a lesbian. The night was a disaster but regardless, it was the most connected to himself he’d ever felt. Not to mention he certainly learned who his true friends were. Teacher wise, he simply sent out a formatted email to all of them, and hoped they would accept him, which most of them did.
Everyday Risks and Struggles
If you thought coming out was a disaster, Easton’s everyday life is not any better. He’s not like some trans people, there is no hiding his identity, no way to muffle the essence of him that bellows to the world that he is black, trans, and queer. Even if people assume he’s a cis girl, they still label him as a lesbian to be wary of. A trans person has a one in twelve chance of being murdered, and being a person of color raises that percentage exponentially. Easton fears bathrooms, fears walking the streets at night, fears living in general. He noted however, that he was lucky, as he faces still many less challenges than his trans sisters, but that doesn’t make the harsh reality of existing as a transgender person in today’s society any less terrifying. Freshman year alone he was tripped, shoved, and borderline physically assaulted by both the guys in his own grade and the extremely transphobic senior class. Reporting them did next to nothing, but eventually, thankfully, they gave up.
Subs are an awful experience, as he has to go up to them and talk to them. Many of them are too old and prejudiced, or are simply oblivious. When Easton can see their eyes glaze over, more often that not, he knows his attempts are futile and that his deadname will be called. After four years, he’s lucky enough to have most people not know his deadname so the consequences isn’t the worst. He’s developed a “fuck it” policy with bathrooms, and typically uses the men’s, ignoring the glared and weird looks he receives.
More often than not, he has to compensate for his “manliness” much more than a cis guy would. As the years go on, it affects him less and less, but he is always painfully aware of his every action. Spanning over things from eating to walking to sitting, he is always defensive over his very existence. He constantly worries about being too “girly”, which isn’t a typical everyday struggle with cis guys, they don’t have to worry about colors causing them to be misgendered and attacked. This concept is only taken ten steps further with queer cis guys, as they are generally more free with the ways they present themselves. Easton has several gay guy friends who are able to not only paint their nails, but sometimes even wear dresses without their genders being questioned in the slightest. For Easton and trans-men in general, even looking at a dress can be fuel to “prove their non-transness”. It can be debilitating, causing Easton to constantly consider if what he wants to wear for the day could hinder his ability to pass. For years after coming out, Easton has been afraid of wearing earrings or nail polish, and has only very recently gotten confident enough to be able to wear them, and even then he can only wear black nail polish as it’s the most masculine color of nail polish.
Easton struggles constantly with the crushing reality of dysphoria. It took years of working towards self development for him to get to a checkpoint where he’s somewhat satisfied with the way he looks. His dysphoria in general isn’t as bad as it was in the past, but it can have huge flair ups when he gets misgendered, or reminded in any way that he is not a cis man. He said it was like, “The emotional equivalent of jolting awake in bed, except the wave of relief that comes after the feeling passes never comes, it can only be muted or slightly subdued.” Much of his dysphoria and discomfort is centered around his voice and chest. Since he was a small child, he’s always has a disconnection from his voice; he hated how it sounded in recordings. It felt much too high and annoying to him, and and he wondered how other people could deal with it every day. His voice is a source of fear for him, as it can decide whether or not he can pass, typically ending in people deciding he’s a girl and stirring up the pot of dysphoric soup. His chest is a bit easier to handle. He wears binders most days, and on the days that he can’t, he wears very baggy sweatshirts to further cover himself up.
On days where dysphoria gets the best of him, he distracts himself by writing poetry and short stories, doing art, watching shows and movies he enjoys, or plays his instrument. He also puts himself in validating situations, like going out with friends or talking to other trans people. When the dysphoria gets unmanageable, getting new clothes or a new haircut can provide him relief by giving him something he can change, as opposed to focusing on what he (currently) cannot.
Easton looks towards the future for hope, where he plans on getting top surgery and going on hormone therapy. Top surgery has been something he’s wanted since eighth grade, and is currently one of his biggest goals. He plans on going on testosterone, or T, as soon as possible, and is wildly excited to finally be granted the voice he’s always hoped to have.
Easton has always been very involved in the LGBT community, and being in his school’s GSA greatly contributed to him gaining the courage to come out. Every GSA meeting was opened with name, grade, and pronouns, and the upperclassmen constantly encouraged Easton’s self development. On the first day that he told them his new pronouns, he was greeted with a showering of supporting cheers. Even more eye opening was finding larger LGBT groups on social medias, such as Tumblr. Easton was able to discover and connect with people who shared the same experiences, and were just like him. With that help, he could better figure out what was going on and what he had to look forwards to in the future.
Tips
Easton had much to say on the topic of questions. He absolutely despises when people ask what his deadname, as it’s always asked with a “real name” tone, when they have no need to know his deadname whatsoever. He sees that their only use for knowing his deadname is for a “torture porn indie movie,” so that they can imagine a time when he went by that name, and, “award themselves some self-righteous trophy for knowing me now.” It’s used as ammunition for their egos, and think they’re entitled to sentences like, “That was back when you were (deadname) right?” Sometimes they’re bold enough to think they deserve a pat on the back for knowing a part of him that’s already dead.
Questions have even gotten crude, and some go as far as to blatantly ask what’s in Easton’s pants. Cis people feel like they deserve to invade trans people’s bodies even though they’re the ones that labeled those parts as “private”.
A lot of inquiries that most cis people wouldn’t think are alright are ones along the lines of “how did you know you were trans?” While he does get asked that question fairly regularly, it’s almost always from people who know nothing about the trans community and are genuinely looking to learn. By opening the floor for discussions, more people who would be otherwise clueless can hear firsthand the experiences of a trans person, as opposed to googling and getting misinformation, or worse, assuming things that turn out to be transphobic.
Easton’s experiences are ones to take to heart. Many trans kids suffer like this everyday, and their stories are never heard. Easton is still suffering. His forced coming out not only stole his power of choice, but so many things along with it. His parents began to restrict his visitation with friends, took GSA away from him, and stopped letting him wear the clothes he wanted to, which only heightened his already crippling anxiety. That one experience to this day still affects the way he navigates his relationships with his friends, as a constant ingrained fear for him is being labeled as wrong or sinful. His parents, the people who were supposed to love him the most in the world, and unconditionally so, hesitated and turned on him, leaving him with the fear that someone close to him, someone he cares deeply about, will take a closer look at him and decide they don’t like what they see.
While Easton’s life as an out trans person will always be difficult, he sees another side to it. A concept many cis people can’t understand is that being out can be one of the most freeing feelings anybody can feel, and it’s worth all of the trials and tribulations of being an out trans person. Having to endure the bullying and rejections, the invasive questions and constant ups and downs is worth it in the end. It’s worth it for Easton to go to bed loving who he is and who he can soon become. Of course, as you’ve seen, it doesn’t come without its challenges. Easton has been shoved, threatened, and called names. He’s struggled to find a bathroom that is safe for him to use and change in, he’s had nights where he lays in bed questioning if he’ll ever be able to reach where he wants to be. But all of that has made him into the person he is, had led him to the people he cares about, has given him experiences to hold dear, and he wouldn’t ever trade those for a life of peace.
Some Parting Words
A parting message from Easton for all those with fear of themselves, with hesitation to accept themselves and be who they are truly meant to be. “Time is an illusion that we only pretend is real in this reality. Existence is a fallacious ponzi scheme that doesn’t matter. If you aren’t doing whatever or being whoever you want then you are wasting your brief crack of light between two darknesses. It works out. It’ll work out. It’s going to work out. Yes, even for cisn’ts like us, it’ll work out. And it’ll be long and hard, it’ll be really hard, but I promise you it’ll work out. So please, to the small trans kids reading this or anyone else who needs to hear it, hold on just a little longer. You’re a random arrangement of star dust with limited amount of time in this universe. Make the most of it.”